May 16, 2016
Jagged morning. Mom’s here. She’s staying in an Airbnb. Left her last night feeling pretty desolate, I think. I think it hurts her to stay separately from us. She feels abandoned. I think that’s kind of a core thing for my mom. I have sympathy, but I just don’t have space to deal. She attacks and defends, attacks and defends. It’s exhausting. I find myself most of the time just shutting down, staying in the conversation but with no investment. I don’t have the time or energy to do what I used to do, which is to allocate a big portion of my energy and attention to just being with my mom. Can’t do that with a kid and a demanding job and marriage I’m trying to keep on track. I can’t give her my full attention for hours on end and put my own emotional needs aside, because I already do that for my son and it’s also what I do for a living.